XTREME QUIPS

Ever rang tech support? We hope you didn’t sound as stupid some of the people in the calls below. With time wasting calls like the ones below, no wonder companies are outsourcing their call centers to India.

• Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
• Customer: A white one…

Using a floppy disk…

• Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can’t get my diskette out.
• Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
• Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
• Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
• Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on
• my desk… sorry…

Misdirection…

• Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
• Customer: Your left or my left?

Bill Gates…

• Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
• Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
• Tech support: Would you click on ’start’ for me and….
• Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

Can’t find printer…

• Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.

Color printing…

• Customer: I have problems printing in red..
• Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
• Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

What’s on your monitor?

• Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
• Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Connecting the keyboard…

• Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
• Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
• Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
• Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
• Customer: ! OK
• Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
• Customer: Yes
• Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
• Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah. that one does work.

Passwords…

• Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
• Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Internet access…

• Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
• Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
• Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
• Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
• Customer: Five dots.

Anti-virus…

• Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
• Customer: Netscape.
• Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
• Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.

Screen Savers…

• Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Emails…

• Tech support: How may I help you?
• Customer: I’m writing my first email.
• Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
• Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer…

• Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
• Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

And last but not least…

• Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
• Customer: I don’t have a P.
• Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
• Customer: What do you mean?
• Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.
• Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT