XTREME QUIPS

You know its summer when you see melons everywhere…

Makes you feel sorry for the bowling pins…

A mini twister somewhere in Japan.

Madness? This is SPARTA!

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

(continue reading…)

By Chris Ware for This American Life.

In order to promote their new Star Trek glasses, Burger King has launched a new ad campaign featuring various techniques to help you defend yourself against “Kingons.” Now the Kingons (not to be confused with Klingons), are a race of evil alien mascots seeking dominion over dilithium, an element that is apparently present in BK’s new Star Trek glasses. Here’s a short video presenting the Warp Five Wedgie, one of the nine attacks Kingons use to stealthily dispossess you of your newly acquired piece of crap.

That’s like saying that Fox News is the most popular news channel after TV and Blu-Ray.

[Via: PixelatedGeek]

I’m surprised no one thought of this before.

According to Edward Current, sexual reproduction is just a scientific theory…