XTREME QUIPS

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Don’t you just love clever things like this?

It’s New Zealand vs. Scotland playing the intimidation game.

From Disney, 1946.

An old guy had an appointment to see the urologist. As he approached the reception desk he saw that the woman there was large, unfriendly, and resembled a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

“YES,” in a very loud voice, “YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, though, and in an equally loud voice, said:

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

News like you’ve never seen it!

The wedding party enters the sanctuary in an unconventional fashion. Say what you will about the staging; this is obviously a joyous occasion for all concerned.

From Slate magazine, a masterful edit showing how modern news outlets would cover the first man on the moon.

Benign……………………..What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria……………………Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section……….A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize………………….Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………………….A sheep dog.

Coma………………………A punctuation mark.

D&C……………………….Where Washington is.

Dilate………………………To live long.

Enema……………………..Not a friend.

Fester………………………Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………………A small lie.

G.I.Series………………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail………………….What you hang your coat on.

Impotent………………….Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain……………….Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff…………….A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid……………………A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates…………………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node………………………I knew it.

Outpatient……………….A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear……………….A fatherhood test.

Pelvis………………………Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative………….A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………..Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………………..Damn near killed him.

Secretion…………………Hiding something

Seizure……………………Roman emperor.

Tablet…………………….A small table.

Terminal Illness………..Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor……………………..More than one.

Urine……………………..Opposite of mine.

Varicose………………….Near by/close by

Here are some magic tricks you don’t see every day…