XTREME QUIPS

Distraxion is a film by Mike Stern, who probably didn’t have to listen to the boss’ favorite music while creating this. Still, you know he’s been through it at one time or another!

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.

“Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?” he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?” The two continue to stare.

“parli italiano?” No response.

“¿los di usted habla español?” Still nothing.

So he has a final try: “Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?”

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, “You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew five and it didn’t do him any good.”

Will Ferrell and friends explain how it is, and how you can help the real victims in the current health care debate.

From the sketch comedy group The Harvard Sailing Team. I’ve done possibly hundreds of mic checks in my life, and often you have to talk for quite some time. I always tried to make it a little entertaining, but I was never this personal in my ramblings.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.

The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.

The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.’
The first is that I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’

Wife: (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’

Maria: ‘No Señora…the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

Maybe you should learn to read an old-fashioned map, or even ask for directions!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

From the choir Only Men Aloud, featuring Bonnie Tyler. This song is the first release from their new album Band of Brothers which will be available October 12th. Only LEGO bricks could do it justice!