XTREME QUIPS

Jokes

Apple Sues Samsung

by on Sep.21, 2012, under Jokes

Apple is suing Samsung over alleged copyright infringement of its Auto-Correct feature.

In a statement released today Apple said, ‘We’ll see those aunts in court’.

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Dinner

by on Aug.26, 2012, under Jokes

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Daffy Definitions

by on Aug.13, 2012, under Jokes

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create  divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20.SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a  government official

21. MANDATE: What a bachelorette tries to get

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Zombie Shorties

by on Oct.31, 2009, under Jokes

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.

Why didn’t the zombie proceed with his lawsuit?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on!

Why won’t a zombie eat a clown?
Because they taste funny.

There once was a ravenous zombie
who started chomping on me
He caused me some pains
as he chewed on my brains
and got blood on my Abercrombie

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10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween

by on Oct.31, 2009, under Jokes

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!

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The Difference Between Bird Flu and Swine Flu

by on Oct.31, 2009, under Jokes

My doctor just told me the primary difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu.

With Bird Flu you need a tweetment, and with Swine Flu you need an oinkment.

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Romance Lives On

by on Oct.27, 2009, under Jokes

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?” Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”

Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”

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The Grocer’s Announcement

by on Oct.27, 2009, under Jokes

Our local supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

“Don’t worry, lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”

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Snow White

by on Oct.26, 2009, under Jokes

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She got caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face, shouting “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

*********
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

“Don’t worry. Someday your prints will come”.

*********

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says “When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.” Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

That’s easy … Seven-Up!

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Hunting Season

by on Oct.24, 2009, under Jokes

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from thefields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor’s office.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”

“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer.

“Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off ashot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.”

“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.

“Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’season started.”

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