XTREME QUIPS

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck’.

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decided to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours, and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.

When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!” The manager is unmoved.

Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. “But sir,” the managers says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” replies the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“What! I didn’t sleep with your wife!” exclaims the manager. “Well,” the man replied, “she was here, and you could have.”

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.

“What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.

“Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.

“Heard of what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Of course I’ve heard of cows.”

“No, a cow herd.”

“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major replied, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen quite a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself…”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, “1955, ma’am.”

She gasped, “Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,”Do you think so? It’s only 2130 now…”

Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How do you get an musician off your front step?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter – bass players are never in the light anyway.

Q: How many “deadheads” does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don’t change it.  They just wait for it to burn out, and then they follow it around for 30 years.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”

St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”

The guy replied, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”

The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

*****

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.  On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says “Come again.”

The blonde says “No, it toothpaste this time.”

*****

In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four or more times a week.

Now here is the interesting part.

That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase, “With a partner”.

*****

Sex is like a gas station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you have to ask for service.

Sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.

*****

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: “Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: “Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”

I was on a blind date. We went out with some friends of ours who hooked us up together. We were in a bar and the place was packed. I wasn’t too thrilled about him and I was pretty cocky. He spent the whole time talking about work and I was tired of it.

I asked him if he wanted to see my Tweety bird tattoo.

My girlfriend said “Oh yeah show him your tattoo! He’ll love it.”

He said, “Okay,”

I said, “It’s on my butt!”

The whole place got quiet! I started to pull down my pants and asked if he saw it. He said, “no.”

So I pulled them down a bit more. “Do you see it?”

“No”

So I pulled them down farther. By then I had a whole room full of an audience. They were all gathered around. He got down off his stool and looked really close at my butt and I asked if he saw it. By this time he was getting a bit embarrassed and said again, “No.”

So I said. “Dammit, my pussy must have ate it!”

He was so red! The whole place was laughing!

We have now been married 6 years with 2 kids and to this day he still buys me Tweety birds.

There would be less “Oh Promise Me” and “Endless Love,” and more “Louie, Louie” and “Mony Mony”.

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” Party.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that “forsaking all others” part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man”.

There would be “Tailgate Receptions”.

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn’t ask….”Well, what do you think, Dear, The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The brides dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that “Veil Routine”. But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was always the husband behind the wheel on the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out, on the lake he said to his wife “Please take the wheel, dear, Pretend I am having a heart attack, you must get the boat ashore and dock it.”

So she steered the boat ashore and docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the lounge room, where her husband was watching TV.

She sat down next to him, took the remote, and changed the channel and said to him.

“Please go to the kitchen dear, pretend I am having a heart attack, and set the table, cook the dinner and do the dishes.”