XTREME QUIPS

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.

He asks, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He goes, “Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn’t know. I uh . . .”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Ooh La La!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

“Pierre! What are you doing?’, asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

“PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

* Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.

* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.

* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?

* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.”

* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.

* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.

* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.

* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.

* The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.

* Oops….

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why…For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat…

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.

“Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?” he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?” The two continue to stare.

“parli italiano?” No response.

“¿los di usted habla español?” Still nothing.

So he has a final try: “Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?”

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, “You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew five and it didn’t do him any good.”

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.

The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.

The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.’
The first is that I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’

Wife: (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’

Maria: ‘No Señora…the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it’s his turn the preacher says, “Bubba, what you want me to pray about? “

Bubba says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, “Bubba, how’s your hearing now?”

Bubba says, “I don’t know preacher, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

12. “Hey, Beautiful. What’s a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?”

11. “Your place or my Mom’s?”

10. “I, uh, ummm, I, uh (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!”

9. “You’re even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.”

8. “I may look like an Ewok, but I’m all Wookie where it counts, baby.”

7. “Date, or date not – there is no ‘let’s just friends be’.”

6. “If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.”

5. “How’s about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?”

4. “Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is.”

3. “Honey, you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places!”

2. “If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?”

1. “I’m gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?”