XTREME QUIPS

This is the first known bird attack against a Google Street camera. But it’s not surprising. Birds have a right to a certain degree of privacy too.

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10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”
Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)
Karen – age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel  and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon,  left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a  leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had  forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk  on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me  what room I  am in?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that I do know, but i deliberately choose not to be friends with?

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection. ·

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. ·

While watching the Olympics, I found myself cheering equally for China and the US. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. ·

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit ·

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.

Why computers could be female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the  smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your money on accessories for it.

Why computers could be male:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.  They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a
little longer, you could have got a better model.

- When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

- Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

- Actually answers when you ask, “Who’s your daddy?”

- Only moans during commercial breaks.

- Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

- Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

- You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

- You begin to suspect she is only “playing” dead.

- Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

- Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

- Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”

- Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

- She yells out her own name.

- Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

A college student was delivering pizza to a regular customer’s house in New York. The guy who answered the door asked him, “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth,”this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted the man. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks!” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying?” asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

Terms

Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas.

Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.

Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.

Black holes: What you get in black socks.

Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.

Facts

Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbitting.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.

The moon is more useful than the sun, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don’t need it.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

Isn’t it meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celcius?

An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.