XTREME QUIPS

Real Life

Thought Provoking…

by on Sep.28, 2012, under Real Life

  • There are more atoms in a grain of sand than grains of sand on earth.
  • Cleopatra lived closer in time to the first Moon landing than to the building of the Great Pyramid.
  • You are on a rock floating through space.
  • The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.
  • There’s an ocean of magma right under you!
  • The brain named itself.
    • I used to think the brain was the most amazing organ in the human body, but then I thought, “look who is telling me that!”
    • Maybe it was dyslexic and wanted to be called Brian?
  • They put people on the moon with far less technology than the phone in my pocket.
  • Everyone who reads this post will die.
  • Today is tomorrow’s yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow’s today.
  • Pinnochio saying: “My nose will grow now”.
  • This statement is false.
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Choices

by on Sep.27, 2012, under Real Life

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The Laws of Life

by on Sep.27, 2012, under Real Life

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking –A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

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Road Names in the UK

by on Aug.25, 2012, under Real Life

Who comes up with these names?

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Birds are tired of Google Street cameras and aren’t going to take it anymore

by on Nov.23, 2009, under Real Life

This is the first known bird attack against a Google Street camera. But it’s not surprising. Birds have a right to a certain degree of privacy too.


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Signs That You Are Too Old to Trick-or-Treat

by on Oct.31, 2009, under Real Life

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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Kids On Love

by on Oct.26, 2009, under Real Life

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”
Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)
Karen – age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

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The Helpful Desk Clerk

by on Oct.25, 2009, under Real Life

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel  and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon,  left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a  leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had  forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk  on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me  what room I  am in?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”

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