XTREME QUIPS

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, “DON’T!”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit..” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!”

“No Way!”

“Yes way!”

“Do NOT eat the fruit! ” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so! ” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ” God asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you? ” said the Father.

“I don’t know,” said Eve.

“She started it! ” Adam said.

“Did not! ”

“Did too! ”

“DID NOT! ”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Open Book. Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in Russia?

2. Present a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions; -OR- provide the first/last name of God.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) sail the ocean (b) lead an army, or (c) WRITE A PLAY?

4. What religion is the Pope: (a) Pakistani (b) Japanese (c) Agnostic (d) Is the Pope Catholic?

5. Metric conversion: How many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?

7. What are people in America’s far north called? (a) Southerners (b) Not Southerners.

8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
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9. Can you explain Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no.

10. What are coat hangers used for, other than unlocking car doors?

11. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Canada (c) Belgium (d) FLORIDA.

12. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

13. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

14. Where does the rain come from? (a) The sky.

15. Essay: In 20 words or less, list all of the words you know. (HINT: These are words.)

There would be less “Oh Promise Me” and “Endless Love,” and more “Louie, Louie” and “Mony Mony”.

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” Party.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that “forsaking all others” part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man”.

There would be “Tailgate Receptions”.

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn’t ask….”Well, what do you think, Dear, The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The brides dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that “Veil Routine”. But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s’mores and all… and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor’s house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire….
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing…

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10. Cassava (Yuca)

Though not too widely used in the United States, cassava is a woody shrub that is generally found in the Caribbean and South America. When using cassava, it can either be made to be sweet or bitter. The taste, as well as the smell, all depends on the amount of cyanogenic glucosides, which are in fact, extremely poisonous. Most who prepare it like it to be bitter, as it keeps away insects and even animals. If cassava is prepared incorrectly, it can be deadly. Cassava poisoning, due to high levels of cyanide, is known as Konzo. Cassava poisoning leads to irreversible paralysis. Photo by AdamCohn

Interesting fact: Cassava roots are ground into a flour-like substance which is then used to make tapioca. Cassava leaves contain cyanide but if pounded into a paste with flour and left in the shade for 5 hours, the cyanide is broken down.

9. Pufferfish

Pufferfish stand to be the second most poisonous vertebrate in the world. Though you won’t find pufferfish in the U.S., many in Korea as well as Japan find some parts of the fish to be delicacies. However, certain organs of the fish, such as the liver, as extremely toxic, and can be deadly. The poison in the fish, known as tetrodotoxin, can cause numbness, high blood pressure, and muscle paralysis, which is what leads to death as the diaphragm muscles become paralyzed, disabling breathing. Known as fugu when eaten as a meal, many in Asian countries refuse to not eat the fish.

Interesting fact: Pufferfish has been made illegal to be eaten by the Emperor of Japan.

8. Mushrooms

There are about 5000 types of mushrooms known in the U.S. and about 100 of them are said to be toxic, while less than a dozen are deadly. In any case, mushrooms can cause gastrointestinal discomfort.  Since mushrooms are fungi and the fact that there are so many species, it can be hard to know which are poisonous. As rule of thumb, it is usually said that any mushroom found in the wild are more than likely poisonous. One of the deadliest types of mushroom toxins is Alpha-amanitin, which causes extreme liver damage. Toadstools, as they are called, are the poisonous mushrooms.

Interesting fact: There are 38,000 known kinds of mushrooms; about 5% of these are toxic.

7. Cashews

Though really seeds and not nuts, cashews grow inside of a shell-like structure that grows on a fruit. When buying “raw cashews” in the store, take note that these nuts have actually been steamed and are not entirely raw. This is because raw cashews contain urushiol, which is the same chemical that you’d find in poison ivy. It can cause the body to have a very similar reaction to one experienced from poison oak or ivy. If a high level of urushiol is ingested, it can be deadly. Cashew poisoning is rare, but those who handle them in order to manufacture them to get the shell off sometimes experience the side-effects.

Interesting fact: Cashews come from a fruit, which in South American countries, is eaten, and the seeds (cashews) are then thrown away.

6. Chilies

You’ve probably eaten a chili or two in your life. No matter if it was an extremely hot one, or one that was pretty mild, every chili you have ever consumed has contained a chemical called capsaicin. In chilies, capsaicin is what makes them spicy and “hot.” Of course one chili won’t hurt, but if you eat enough of them, capsaicin can kill you. The chemical is so strong that it is used as a paint stripper, and it is even used in pepper spray used by police forces. In hotter chilies, such as habaneros, capsaicin can be felt on the skin if you cut the chili, as it will produce a burning sensation.

Interesting fact: Chilies are extremely high in Vitamin C. One green chili pod is said to contain about 6 times as much Vitamin C.

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(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem.  Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

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You learned that from Daddy, didn’t you?

Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen

Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes

American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne

Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine

Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine

Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O

Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup

Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva

Brown Bowl = Vodka and Prune Juice

Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand

Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia

George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer

Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine

Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn

Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer

Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride

Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar

Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil

Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria

Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice

Phillips’ Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia

Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater

Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper

A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine

Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey’s Irish Cream

Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide

Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar’s and Mescal

Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks

Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate

Sinead O’Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair

Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar

Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice

Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream

Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed

The things doctors have scribbled on patient’s charts when they are in a hurry:

#  “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

# “On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”

# “The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”

# “Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

# “Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

# “The patient refused an autopsy.”

# “The patient has no past history of suicides.”

# “Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”

# “Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”

# “Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

# “She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

# “She is numb from her toes down.”

# “While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”

# “The skin was moist and dry.”

# “Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

# “Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

# “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

# “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”

# “The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

# “Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.”

# “Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

# “Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”

# “By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better.”

# “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”

# “When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”

# “Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”

# “The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.”

# “The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”