XTREME QUIPS

Do you remember….

• All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
• It took five minutes for the TV to warm up?
• Nearly everyone’s Mom was at home when the kids got  home from school?
• Nobody owned a purebred dog?
• When a quarter was a decent allowance?
• You’d reach into a muddy gutter for a  penny?
• Your Mom wore nylons that came in two  pieces?
• All your male teachers wore neckties and female  teachers had their hair done every day and wore  high heels?
• You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and  gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn’t pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
• Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
• It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
• They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. And they did it!
• When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
• No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
• Lying on your back in the grass with your friends?  …. and  saying things like, ‘That cloud looks like a…  ‘?
• Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
• Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
• And with all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.
• When being sent to the principals office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
• Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn’t because of  drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat..  .as well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
  Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, ‘Yeah, I remember that’?

How Many Of These Do You Remember?

• Candy cigarettes
• Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
• Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
• Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes.
• Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
• Home  milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
• Newsreels  before the movie.
• P.F. Fliers.
• Telephone  numbers with a word prefix…(Raymond 4-601).
• Party lines.
• Peashooters.
• Howdy Dowdy.
• Hi-Fi’s  & 45 RPM records.
• 78  RPM records!
• Green  Stamps.
• Mimeograph  paper.
• The Fort Apache Play Set.
• Nancy Drew
• The Hardy Boys
• Laurel and Hardy
• Howdy Doody
• The Peanut Gallery
• The Lone Ranger
• The Shadow Knows
• Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk

Do You Remember a Time When..

• Decisions were made by going ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’?
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’?
• ‘Race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
• Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire  Evening?
• It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘Best Friends’?
• The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was ‘cooties’?
• Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?
• Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute commercials for action figures?
• ‘Oly-oly-oxen-free’ made perfect sense?
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
• The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
• War was a card game?
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
• Taking drugs meant orange -  flavored chewable aspirin?
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops!

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again….

Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.

What do you mean you want a divorce?

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

What’s this doing here?

I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”

One student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

“Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.”

“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.”

“But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l / g).”

“Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.”

“If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.”

“But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”

He then received credit for the class.

• the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
• you know that the speed of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.
• you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• you’ve already calculated how much you earn per second.
• you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
• you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• you know the size of the elctron, but don’t know your own shirt size.
• when you break a vase you blame the second law of thermodynamics.
• you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
• you avoid stirring your coffee because you don’t want to increase the entropy of the universe.
• your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
• you’re at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the Chardonnay.
• you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an experiment that actually takes five minutes to run.

1. The Apollo’s Saturn rockets were packed with enough fuel to throw 100-pound shrapnel three miles, and NASA couldn’t rule out the possibility that they might explode on takeoff. NASA seated its VIP spectators three and a half miles from the launchpad.

2. The Apollo computers had less processing power than a cellphone.

3. Drinking water was a fuel-cell by-product, but Apollo 11’s hydrogen-gas filters didn’t work, making every drink bubbly. Urinating and defecating in zero gravity, meanwhile, had not been figured out; the latter was so troublesome that at least one astronaut spent his entire mission on an anti-diarrhea drug to avoid it.

4. When Apollo 11’s lunar lander, the Eagle, separated from the orbiter, the cabin wasn’t fully depressurized, resulting in a burst of gas equivalent to popping a champagne cork. It threw the module’s landing four miles off-target.

5. Pilot Neil Armstrong nearly ran out of fuel landing the Eagle, and many at mission control worried he might crash. Apollo engineer Milton Silveira, however, was relieved: His tests had shown that there was a small chance the exhaust could shoot back into the rocket as it landed and ignite the remaining propellant.

6. The “one small step for man” wasn’t actually that small. Armstrong set the ship down so gently that its shock absorbers didn’t compress. He had to hop 3.5 feet from the Eagle’s ladder to the surface.

7. When Buzz Aldrin joined Armstrong on the surface, he had to make sure not to lock the Eagle’s door because there was no outer handle.

8. The toughest moonwalk task? Planting the flag. NASA’s studies suggested that the lunar soil was soft, but Armstrong and Aldrin found the surface to be a thin wisp of dust over hard rock. They managed to drive the flagpole a few inches into the ground and film it for broadcast, and then took care not to accidentally knock it over.

9. The flag was made by Sears, but NASA refused to acknowledge this because they didn’t want “another Tang.”

10. The inner bladder of the space suits—the airtight liner that keeps the astronaut’s body under Earth-like pressure—and the ship’s computer’s ROM chips were handmade by teams of “little old ladies.”

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of “those” arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING: This means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and will end with the word “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine”, and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over “Nothing”.

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sigh” means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say “you’re welcome”.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh” as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven’t been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for “specials”.

6. Family coming to stay with you.

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.

4. Buying food you don’t normally buy … and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

1. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas…At some point you know you’re going to have a tree in your house!

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed..” -U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” -General MacArthur

“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S.. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.”

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it’s Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don’t Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician

“If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.” -USAF – Ammo Troop

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Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

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10. Cats’ facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN