XTREME QUIPS

Recently a police officer parked his patrol car outside a bar in London, Kentucky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Hillbilly. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen

Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes

American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne

Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine

Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine

Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O

Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup

Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva

Brown Bowl = Vodka and Prune Juice

Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand

Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia

George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer

Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine

Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn

Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer

Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride

Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar

Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil

Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria

Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice

Phillips’ Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia

Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater

Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper

A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine

Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey’s Irish Cream

Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide

Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar’s and Mescal

Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks

Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate

Sinead O’Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair

Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar

Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice

Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream

Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

How do you sleep?

It’s New Zealand vs. Scotland playing the intimidation game.

Facts about Alcohol…

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

This soup of the day is pretty special!

You’ve seen the YouTube clips demonstrating the riotous effect of dropping Mentos into Diet Coke. Why not turn the fizzy fun into an epic party prank of your own? Here’s our recipe for a little cocktail we call the Manhattan Project. 1. Shop

1) Buy the ingredients at your corner store: 2 liters of Diet Coke (warm, diet only because it isn’t sticky), one pack Mentos candy (mint), and some rye whiskey (cheap)… Manhattans also call for a splash of sweet vermouth and 2 small dashes Angostura bitters

2.) Fill an ice tray so that each section is half full of water and stick it in the icebox. Once all of the half-ice cubes have frozen, fill them up to the top placing one candy into each cube. Freeze again.

3.) Combine four cubes and 8 oz. of Diet Coke. Top with 2 oz. of whiskey. The Vermouth and bitters are optional but necessary for an authentic taste. Of course, Manhattans don’t actually ever make use of cola or soda so authenticity has already been sacrificed to the prank. Garnish with a naive smile and serve. Wait five minutes.

When the ice melts enough to expose the Mentos, it’ll erupt like a fifth-grade science project.