XTREME QUIPS

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!” .

“Yes, Ma’am?” “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park……….. ” Then the electric power goes out.

Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

This blonde (of course!) walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?”

The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”

A police officer saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“I dropped my ring and I’m looking for it,” replied the blonde.

After helping the woman look for her ring, the officer thought to ask,

“Are you sure you dropped it right right here?”

“No,” she responded, “I dropped it about two blocks away.”

“Then why the heck are we looking for it here?” asked the agitated officer.

“Because the light’s better here,” said the blonde.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

A lawyer and a blond are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists…

He explains how the game works. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.” Again, the blond politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blond he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer, “If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

The blond figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, “What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon?” The blond reaches in to her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer.

Then she asks the lawyer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blond and hands her $500.

The blond politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blond and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

How women park their car on narrow streets…

I’m guessing the t-shirt was supposed to say “I heart College”… but seriously, who pays attention to the spelling anyway?

Clearly, blonde girls and escalators don’t mix…