XTREME QUIPS

Larry is the drunk guy who became in internet sensation by starring in a surveillance video. The silent film treatment makes the saga much shorter and quite a bit more entertaining.

…putting on flip flops.

Recently a police officer parked his patrol car outside a bar in London, Kentucky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Hillbilly. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

How do you sleep?

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn’t drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

Pacman had a bit too much to drink last night…

I have probably only done about 8 things from this list, but then again I don’t think of myself as a drunk! How many have you done?

1. Open and close a bar.
2. Go on a bender.
3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.
5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.
6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
7. Buy a crowded bar a round.
8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.
9. Get 86’d from a bar.
10. Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.
12. Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar.
13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.
14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.
15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.
16. Get drunk with your father.
17. Fight a good fight.
18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.
20. Sit in on an A.A. meeting. (continue reading…)

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”

[Via: It Occurred to Me]