XTREME QUIPS

Why computers could be female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the  smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your money on accessories for it.

Why computers could be male:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.  They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a
little longer, you could have got a better model.

- When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

- Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

- Actually answers when you ask, “Who’s your daddy?”

- Only moans during commercial breaks.

- Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

- Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

- You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

- You begin to suspect she is only “playing” dead.

- Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

- Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

- Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”

- Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

- She yells out her own name.

- Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was always the husband behind the wheel on the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out, on the lake he said to his wife “Please take the wheel, dear, Pretend I am having a heart attack, you must get the boat ashore and dock it.”

So she steered the boat ashore and docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the lounge room, where her husband was watching TV.

She sat down next to him, took the remote, and changed the channel and said to him.

“Please go to the kitchen dear, pretend I am having a heart attack, and set the table, cook the dinner and do the dishes.”

10. Cats’ facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Are women born to be talkative?

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

This is a day in the life of some woman named Jane viewed entirely in logos.

How women park their car on narrow streets…

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cock pit.”

“It’s the Box office.”

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”