XTREME QUIPS

A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. “Hi, is Boris home?” asked Ned.

“No, he went to the store.” replied the wife.

“Well, you mind if I wait?” asked Ned.

“No, come in.” responded the wife.

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Ned says, “They are so beautiful. I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend Ned came over.”

Boris thinks about this for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”

A girl says to her date, “You’re in for a real treat. I’ve been told that I have a body just like New Jersey.”

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, “What’s this?”

She replies, “This is Middlesex.”

He grabs her butt and asks “What’s this?

She replies “Freehold.”

Then he grabs her breast and asks “What’s this?” She replies “Point Pleasant.”

Finally, he reaches! between her thighs and says, “I guess this is Cherry Hill?”

“No”, She replies, “That’s Eatontown.”

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, “Welcome to Wildwood!”

A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. “Show my new girlfriend your finest mink,” he announced loudly. The store owner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved.

“That coat costs $100,000,” the shop owner said.

“No problem,” the man smiled, “I’ll write you a check in full for it right now.”

“Wonderful!” beamed the shop owner, “Since today is Friday, I’ll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your check has had a chance to clear the bank.”

The happy couple left the store.

On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, “How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn’t you know your check would bounce because of insufficient funds?”

“Oh, sure,” smiled the happy customer, “But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life.”

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn’t drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

The manliest pizza cutter ever.

Real Men don’t use wimpy dime-store pizza cutters. Show that pizza you mean business with our new Pizza Boss 3000. It’ll blast thru pepperoni, extra cheese, even those pesky anchovies. It’s built from tough engineering-grade plastics and the laser-etched stainless blade has a removable shield for easy clean-up. A great “guy gift.” Packaged in a clear display gift box.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

(continue reading…)

10 – YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 – YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU’RE ON THE ROAD.

8 – IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND’S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 – YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN’T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 – YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 – HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T ASK, “DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”

2 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

1 – YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

The best thing in the kitchen…

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What is taking so long?”

“My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,” Dave explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Good lord,” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”