XTREME QUIPS

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

*****

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.  On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says “Come again.”

The blonde says “No, it toothpaste this time.”

*****

In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four or more times a week.

Now here is the interesting part.

That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase, “With a partner”.

*****

Sex is like a gas station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you have to ask for service.

Sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.

*****

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: “Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: “Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

*****

Starbucks is reportedly adding alcohol to the menu at one of its stores.

When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people, in this economy, don’t pay eight bucks for a cup of coffee.”

*****

“Shhaaayyy, buddy, what’s a Breathalyzer?” asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

“Well, I’d have to say it’s a bag that tells you when you’ve drunk way too much,” answered the equally wasted gent.

“Ah hell, whaddya know? I’ve been married to one of those for years and years now!”

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

*****

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said to her husband, “You wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” her husband replied. “Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.”

*****

Diet advisor: Did you say you’re a light eater? You must weigh over 300 pounds!

Overweight man: That’s right. As soon as it’s light, I start eating.

*****

As a surprise, a chief executive’s wife decides to pop by his office, where she finds her husband in an unorthodox position, with his attractive secretary sitting in his lap.

He immediately spots her and without hesitation, starts dictating: ‘And in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

****

Wife to overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?

Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn’t see the other piece.

How many movies can you identify?

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And The Number One Way To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.

5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.

6. Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

8. Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

(continue reading…)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Via: Bits and Pieces]

When asking your landlord to fix something, make sure you read it out to avoid embarrassing yourself. Read the following excerpts to see what we mean!

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
10. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
11. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
12. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
14. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

(continue reading…)