XTREME QUIPS

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed..” -U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” -General MacArthur

“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S.. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.”

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it’s Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don’t Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician

“If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.” -USAF – Ammo Troop

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1. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford

To be fair… He can actually breathe underwater too.

2. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins

… Almost? What happens the other times?

3. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” –Greg Norman

And all of his other parents he failed to mention.

4. “Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.” –Jerry Coleman

He’s sick? I hope he can still pitch today.

5. “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.” –Bob Varsha

6. “You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: ‘You never know.’” -Lou Duva

Only two? Ok, can’t argue with that.

7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs

Umm… what?

8. “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” –Randy Cross

Truer words were never spoken.

8. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” –Lou Deva… again.

….Ok Lou, ok.

10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted

11. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw

After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.

12. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” –Yogi Berra

And just because Yogi gave us so many, a bonus: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

13. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd

So, you’re going to turn it all the way around and continue in the direction it was originally going? On second thought, maybe you should stay in college Jason.

14. “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” –Torrin Polk

That’s the most important thing a college football coach can offer his team. Earings.

15. Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?”

Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that..
~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

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