XTREME QUIPS

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from thefields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor’s office.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”

“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer.

“Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off ashot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.”

“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.

“Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’season started.”

A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular day, they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.

A male voice piped up and asked, “Wow… who was she?”

A female voice followed with, “Never mind that, who was HE?”

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major replied, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen quite a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself…”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, “1955, ma’am.”

She gasped, “Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,”Do you think so? It’s only 2130 now…”

- When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

- Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

- Actually answers when you ask, “Who’s your daddy?”

- Only moans during commercial breaks.

- Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

- Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

- You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

- You begin to suspect she is only “playing” dead.

- Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

- Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

- Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”

- Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

- She yells out her own name.

- Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”

St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”

The guy replied, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”

The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”

Stephen Fry gives Mark Carwardine a hard time after the Kakapo parrot attempts to mate with the zoologist. From the BBC series Last Chance to See.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

*****

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.  On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says “Come again.”

The blonde says “No, it toothpaste this time.”

*****

In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four or more times a week.

Now here is the interesting part.

That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase, “With a partner”.

*****

Sex is like a gas station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you have to ask for service.

Sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.

*****

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: “Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: “Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”

Foreplay takes a turn for the scary. From the 2001 movie Tomcats. NSFW.

It can backfire on you.