XTREME QUIPS

A sweet and innocent young girl gets married, and the girl’s mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother, ‘Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.

“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says, “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Maxwell House”.

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good til the last drop.”

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size”.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.

The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways….

Mom fainted.

Its not what she wanted to know…

Couldn’t explain it better myself!

There once was a young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C’MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

You may want to look at the sign twice, and then you will realize you want to vacation here. This hasn’t been photoshopped, its Graffiti.

THE BASICS
On Deck – Having plans for a date
Strike-Out – Duh!! (No Date)
Walk – Kissing / No Tongues
Single – Tongue kissing
Double – Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
and eels.
Triple – Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Home Run – SEX!
Bunt – Masturbation
Foul tip – VD
Three up and three down – impotency.
Inside the park home run – Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up – Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double – would have sex, but no condom.
Balk – Premature ejaculation.
Error – Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play – Having two partners at the same time.
Loaded Bases – menage a trois.
Ground Out – Moving for first base but partner says…. “Not on a first date.”
Banned for life for gambling – sex without condom.
Score Card – Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms.
Grand Slam – Sex three times in twelve hours.
Corked Bat – Using Viagra

FIELD TERMS
Pine Tar – Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher – Vibrator
Pinch Runner – Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball – Three strokes DONE!
In a pickle – Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed – Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out.
Box Seats – Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch – Unusual positions
Rain Delay – parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner – You orgasm, your partner doesn’t.

LEAGUE TERMS
Spectator – Peeping Tom
Forfeit – Date stands you up
Out of play – That time of the month
Cleared the bases – Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats – Roommate’s perspective while you are going at it
Suspended – Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded – Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent – Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list – Done it so much you can’t stand
Ejected from game – Partner throws you off during rodeo sex

THE PLAYERS
Rookie – Virgin
Veteran – Prostitute
Talent Agent – Pimp
Scout – Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues – Under 18
All Stars Game – Doing it with your ex while still going out with your current
Switch Hitter – Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame – When you ask “Was it good for you” and they say “YES!!!”

Now that we have the definitions, let’s quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY – We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her…

NEW WAY – First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it’s Hall of Fame time!

NEW WAY – So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time.”

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”

*****

I called this girlfriend of mine and asked her if she was free Saturday night.

She said no, but she would be reasonable.

*****

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another… I said, “Let’s go back to my place.”

She said, “Oh, do you have cable?”

I said: “No…But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine…”

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”